It's been two years since I have posted. I still feel just as stuck, like the ground has a hold of my feet and I can only stand there as the world flies past me. Everyone goes though changes, some good and some , well less than desirable. What if you make the wrong choice. What if the circumstances you are in force you to change in a way that is contrary to who you really are. I sit here and think of all the things I want to change or just start, but am too scared of the unknown outcome. The thought of failure is so strong it keeps me rooted, keeps me making the same mistakes, doing nothing, letting life pass by. Where do you find the courage to move forward. I wish sometimes there really was a Wizard of Oz. That I could follow the obvious path, and although there would be some tough spots, it would still be leading me to the promised land. That at the end of my journey I would find my courage, my heart, my brain. I am 42 now and I still feel like a kid. I have kids, and I don't know how bad I am messing up these little humans, because I totally don't have it together.
I will change, I want to change. I want to find that path and lead myself to the better life,
Sunday, May 24, 2020
Sunday, May 27, 2018
social anxiety
Social anxiety is a very real and complicated thing. Thing is a good word for it. It is crippling and generally makes life unfun. I was tonight standing in a room full of people I know. People I have known, well have worked with for years now, but I still felt alone. Its like I want to carry around a sign that says, "please talk to me so I don't stand here quiet". If people would engage, I would talk and laugh, come out of my shell. Standing in the shadows makes me unapproachable though, makes people feel awkward around me.
Tonight it sucked worse because my kids saw it, and they were just as shy as I was. I feel horrible that I have taught them this, not intentionally, but by my actions, or rather lack of actions. I wish I could have help. Someone that would see and encourage me to join in, but I just stand there alone, because of course I don't have anyone in my life. No boyfriend, husband, best friend, to break the ice for me. I know these people are not really my friends. None of them have taken the time to know me, well maybe one, but he is only concerned with fixing me, fixing the parts that aren't broken, just are not up to his standards. He is another issue and problem, but I have gotten past that particular hurtful piece of my past. I have, honest.
Back to my current problem. How is it I can be surrounded by people and not say a word? Why can't I just insert myself into conversations, sit down and start talking? REJECTION. That is my crutch. Mix that with fear and I might as well just find a dark hole. I fear people not liking me, not wanting me around. I fear not being good enough, smart enough, cool enough. So instead of taking the chance, I stand quietly out of the way and hope someone will notice me and include me. It is not their responsibility though and each time, I am left standing, trying and failing at not looking uncomfortable.
I slip out unnoticed. I leave not saying a word to anyone, and am crushed each time no one notices. I want people, someone to care. To call me back, to want me there. But it sadly always ends the same, and I never want to go back. I want to stay safe and hidden away and alone, because then I don't get hurt.
I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to be better, to have courage, to put myself out there. I feel I have to give up, I am too afraid of the bad outcome, the realization that you really don't matter and that no one cares, no one notices, because that is the reality I live, that is always what happens. So I get no encouragement to be better, to put myself out there, because really it makes no difference, I will still be the one standing against the wall watching everyone else have the fun I so desperately crave. So back to my sanctuary, back to my solidarity. It sucks, but just saying I want to be better doesn't do anything and for me help is just out of my reach.
Tonight it sucked worse because my kids saw it, and they were just as shy as I was. I feel horrible that I have taught them this, not intentionally, but by my actions, or rather lack of actions. I wish I could have help. Someone that would see and encourage me to join in, but I just stand there alone, because of course I don't have anyone in my life. No boyfriend, husband, best friend, to break the ice for me. I know these people are not really my friends. None of them have taken the time to know me, well maybe one, but he is only concerned with fixing me, fixing the parts that aren't broken, just are not up to his standards. He is another issue and problem, but I have gotten past that particular hurtful piece of my past. I have, honest.
Back to my current problem. How is it I can be surrounded by people and not say a word? Why can't I just insert myself into conversations, sit down and start talking? REJECTION. That is my crutch. Mix that with fear and I might as well just find a dark hole. I fear people not liking me, not wanting me around. I fear not being good enough, smart enough, cool enough. So instead of taking the chance, I stand quietly out of the way and hope someone will notice me and include me. It is not their responsibility though and each time, I am left standing, trying and failing at not looking uncomfortable.
I slip out unnoticed. I leave not saying a word to anyone, and am crushed each time no one notices. I want people, someone to care. To call me back, to want me there. But it sadly always ends the same, and I never want to go back. I want to stay safe and hidden away and alone, because then I don't get hurt.
I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to be better, to have courage, to put myself out there. I feel I have to give up, I am too afraid of the bad outcome, the realization that you really don't matter and that no one cares, no one notices, because that is the reality I live, that is always what happens. So I get no encouragement to be better, to put myself out there, because really it makes no difference, I will still be the one standing against the wall watching everyone else have the fun I so desperately crave. So back to my sanctuary, back to my solidarity. It sucks, but just saying I want to be better doesn't do anything and for me help is just out of my reach.
Monday, May 21, 2018
I wish life came with an instruction manual or at the very least one of those old choose your own adventure books. At least that way you could look at the outcome before you made mistakes that could set you back from becoming who you really are.
But I guess that is my true problem, I have no idea who I really am. Sure I could list the things I like,I could tell you my accomplishments or my failures. I could be defined that I am a divorced, just recently turned 40, mother of two, that has no idea where my life is going.
Sure I have good things in life, but I have looked at the bad for so long my judgement has become cloudy. It is difficult to pull yourself out of your self doubts and negative attitude when life keeps throwing you to the ground and taunting you to get up again. But I do get up again, each time. Sometimes slower than others, but I am still here, still fighting, still trying to get it right.
This world has become a terrifying place, and not just because of all the violence and natural disasters, but because human kind in itself is a mess. We have forgotten balance, basic manners, and genuinely how to be nice to each other.
Most of the population is concerned only with itself, how to make the most money, be the most popular, have the most things, have the most sought after opinions.
So how do we navigate through that? How do we become our authentic selves? How to we be ok just being own weird unique human, when the world keeps telling us we need to be like or better than everyone else.
That's my journey. To be ok being the best me I can be. To like the things I like, because they bring me joy, to be happy for others not jealous or envious. To live my life to its fullest, instead of hiding because I feel I am not good enough.
I know I could only be ever talking to myself, it doesn't matter. I am getting the words out of my head and giving them to the universe. They may not always make the most sense, and more than likely be random and take off in weird directions, but so be it. Let them fly and be free. I am choosing my own adventure with out looking at the ending. Taking it day by day, page by page, word by word. Writing my own instruction manual... but keeping the white out handy because mistakes will always be part of the journey!
But I guess that is my true problem, I have no idea who I really am. Sure I could list the things I like,I could tell you my accomplishments or my failures. I could be defined that I am a divorced, just recently turned 40, mother of two, that has no idea where my life is going.
Sure I have good things in life, but I have looked at the bad for so long my judgement has become cloudy. It is difficult to pull yourself out of your self doubts and negative attitude when life keeps throwing you to the ground and taunting you to get up again. But I do get up again, each time. Sometimes slower than others, but I am still here, still fighting, still trying to get it right.
This world has become a terrifying place, and not just because of all the violence and natural disasters, but because human kind in itself is a mess. We have forgotten balance, basic manners, and genuinely how to be nice to each other.
Most of the population is concerned only with itself, how to make the most money, be the most popular, have the most things, have the most sought after opinions.
So how do we navigate through that? How do we become our authentic selves? How to we be ok just being own weird unique human, when the world keeps telling us we need to be like or better than everyone else.
That's my journey. To be ok being the best me I can be. To like the things I like, because they bring me joy, to be happy for others not jealous or envious. To live my life to its fullest, instead of hiding because I feel I am not good enough.
I know I could only be ever talking to myself, it doesn't matter. I am getting the words out of my head and giving them to the universe. They may not always make the most sense, and more than likely be random and take off in weird directions, but so be it. Let them fly and be free. I am choosing my own adventure with out looking at the ending. Taking it day by day, page by page, word by word. Writing my own instruction manual... but keeping the white out handy because mistakes will always be part of the journey!
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