social anxiety

Social anxiety is a very real and complicated thing. Thing is a good word for it. It is crippling and generally makes life unfun. I was tonight standing in a room full of people I know. People I have known, well have worked with for years now, but I still felt alone. Its like I want to carry around a sign that says, "please talk to me so I don't stand here quiet". If people would engage, I would talk and laugh, come out of my shell. Standing in the shadows makes me unapproachable though, makes people feel awkward around me.

Tonight it sucked worse because my kids saw it, and they were just as shy as I was. I feel horrible that I have taught them this, not intentionally, but by my actions, or rather lack of actions. I wish I could have help. Someone that would see and encourage me to join in, but I just stand there alone, because of course I don't have anyone in my life. No boyfriend, husband, best friend, to break the ice for me. I know these people are not really my friends. None of them have taken the time to know me, well maybe one, but he is only concerned with fixing me, fixing the parts that aren't broken, just are not up to his standards. He is another issue and problem, but I have gotten past that particular hurtful piece of my past. I have, honest.

Back to my current problem. How is it I can be surrounded by people and not say a word? Why can't I just insert myself into conversations, sit down and start talking? REJECTION. That is my crutch. Mix that with fear and I might as well just find a dark hole. I fear people not liking me, not wanting me around. I fear not being good enough, smart enough, cool enough. So instead of taking the chance, I stand quietly out of the way and hope someone will notice me and include me. It is not their responsibility though and each time, I am left standing, trying and failing at not looking uncomfortable.

I slip out unnoticed. I leave not saying a word to anyone, and am crushed each time no one notices. I want people, someone to care. To call me back, to want me there. But it sadly always ends the same, and I never want to go back. I want to stay safe and hidden away and alone, because then I don't get hurt.

I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to be better, to have courage, to put myself out there. I feel I have to give up, I am too afraid of the bad outcome, the realization that you really don't matter and that no one cares, no one notices, because that is the reality I live, that is always what happens. So I get no encouragement to be better, to put myself out there, because really it makes no difference, I will still be the one standing against the wall watching everyone else have the fun I so desperately crave. So back to my sanctuary, back to my solidarity. It sucks, but just saying I want to be better doesn't do anything and for me help is just out of my reach.